All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart

Will I always feel so empty, so estranged..

2009-09-25T20:01:11Z

Today has been.. painful, I guess. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I feel instead of just grouping all of it into the category of bad, but it's really hard. I'm not able to figure it out all the time.

I woke up to a text from my used to be boss wondering why they had denied me for unemployment and saying that I should get it, it will just take a couple more weeks. I don't need the money now. I needed the money for the month or so that I was unemployed! I didn't respond. She sent me another one later asking if I would bring my key by.

When unemployment called me a couple of weeks ago, the lady on the phone was asking me what specific incidences happened that led to them firing me, and I couldn't give her any. I don't know what they were. She got frustrated with me and told me that she had to put something down and couldn't if I didn't tell her what to put. I told her I didn't know what to tell her. After her asking me the same question for a while, I told her that it just didn't really matter anymore because I had a job now. It's not full time, so I could still get some money, but I was just so sick of dealing with all of it and daily being slapped in the face reminded about what happened at my old job that I just decided to stop trying. I just want it out of my mind. So, I was really irritated with Patti, my old boss, for even texting me about it. If she really cared about me, which she says that she does, she wouldn't have fired me. We would have dealt with things like normal people do and talked about whatever the problem was, I still don't know, and moved on. That's what you do. You tell people when they are doing something wrong, because people aren't perfect, and then they fix it and move on.

I also don't have my key anymore, because I was sick of looking at it and being reminded. I threw it away in a moment of impulsivity. Why is she asking for my key two months after she fired me? She keeps tagging on little "I hope you are well" on the end of every text, and it just irritates me! Am I supposed to be 'well'? Have I ever really been well?

I did text her back saying nicer shorter versions of all of the above. I said that I hope she was well as well. She then told me that she was and was working on getting the Conway bakery open.

I just can't handle it. And maybe I should actually tell her that, but I don't feel like I can. I cannot handle keeping in touch with her when she doesn't even see how badly she hurt me. I'm not sure how this is possible looking at what she has done to my life, but I guess that it is. And the way she treats me is just so confusing. I don't know how to deal because I was so, so close to her. We are so similar in our experiences. I just don't know.

I've cut more today than I have in a while. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. Crying and slicing myself up are not really a good start to the day. I feel really guilty about it, and I still feel like I need to cut more. I hate that.. I hate hurting myself and then feeling so conflicted about whether I did enough damage to my skin. If someone were to look at my body, they would be disgusted. I look disgusting. I want out. I want out of my life. Out of my skin.

Also, my dad informed me last night that he is thinking about charging me rent. WTF. I will not pay to live in this house, and if he decides to do that, I guess I will start looking for a new place to live. The whole reason I am here is because I need to SAVE money. How can I save if paying him. That was the problem with last year. I was spending ever dollar I made on bills. He says that he wants to give some of it back to me when I move out, but I don't want his help!! And I don't want him making that decision for me. I do not want to be connected to him in any way. It only gives him leverage over me. I can't stand that. But if I move out, I don't know what I will do either, because I will fall back into the same problem as last year.. I don't really know what I am going to do. I have to save, because I have to go back to school so that I will not end up working as a cashier at Walmart for the rest of my life. And all of this is making me feel so trapped and alone in my body. He doesn't get that I am trying to work on myself and he is only making me backtrack. I am just not feeling very good about anything in my life right now. I wrote this a year and a half ago, and it really sums up how things are in my mind right now.

March 15, 2008
"Suicide gets really scary when pain is just pain, and you don't care. I was thinking about that tonight (not that I am in danger or anything). I get scared when my life is so tattered and scattered that dying is just another option. A permanent option, but isn't that what I'm looking for? It's not the right option, and I would never think that, but I do a lot of things that are wrong. I'm so discouraged because I feel like my life is directionless. How do you keep going when you have nothing to work towards? I'm stuck."

Some people would tell me that I need to make goals, and then I will have something I am working towards. I don't have any goals, and I can't see past the next month of my life to even begin to make any. That's something that I want to work on, and my therapist suggested that I picture my tombstone and what I would want it to say about me, but even then, when I picture it, I am young. I have accomplished nothing. What would I want it to say and what if I wasn't young? I just do not know. I don't know how to think well enough about myself to imagine good things being said about me. That is what it comes down to. I don't feel worthy to be existing on this planet and would like to get by by being as invisible as possible.

And no, that is not what I want to want for the rest of my life, but it is the hole that I am in.

Joy

2009-09-23T22:18:08Z

A while ago (not sure how long, maybe a little over a year), I was talking to this man after church about how difficult things were with me. It was one of those moments where I had a random push of courage, because I don't usually talk to people in life that I don't know about the details of my life. I had been crying through the whole service, so I looked awful, and he shared some story with me that I don't remember, but what I do remember was him telling me about a cup of coffee he had one time, and how through enjoying his coffee he was able to take a break from the brokenness of his life and enjoy something. And he told me that sometimes it is enough to get yourself out of bed and live another day. How that is an accomplishment and something to be proud of.

I read an entry today about the little things in this lady's day that were good, even though as a whole her life is chaos right now, and I have decided to write down the things in my day that were also good so that I can remember. Every second of every day is not awful. Some are close, but there are good things in every day.

Today I was able to have TWO large coffees instead of just one. One on the drive to work and one on my lunch break. I read in my car during my lunch break and actually learned something. It felt good to activate my mind. I had kind customers when things went wrong. What happened wasn't my fault, but they could have griped me out. I took a nap. I had peanut butter :) I have a beautiful puppy that is excited to see me when I come home.

bookends27 @ 2009-09-21T23:44:00

2009-09-22T05:46:41Z

Soooo, Brandi Carlile is playing in Fayeteville in a couple of weeks, and me and my good friend Bekah are going to go! I'm so excited!!

Also, it is storming outside :)

This is a picture from 2006 while we were in Montana in.. June? July? Can't remember which month. Love this girl! I'm on the left, Bekah is on the right. It was freezing but one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

bookends27 @ 2009-09-21T15:44:00

2009-09-21T21:58:49Z

I wasn't going to update right now, but I just received a text from a guy that I know and am pretty pissed.

I try to take friendship as I can get it, especially lately, because company is scarce. I can easily go several weeks without hanging out, which is ok, but it makes me feel like crap.

Alright, so Ryan just texted me just saying hey and that we should get coffee sometime this week. Who knows if we actually will or not. It's just that he does this thing where he will talk to me for about a month or two. We will hang out, sometimes he will pay for things. Nothing major, just good friends. Then one day I will text him, and he won't respond. And he doesn't. For weeks, sometimes months. He won't say anything past hi to me when we see each other. Sometimes he does things that can't be interpreted as anything other than him trying to hurt me or get to me.

We go to church together, and last week my friend and I walked up to talk to him and a couple of his friends that I didn't know, and they were talking about some speech that Ryan was going to give, and how they would have to take the shower head out of the shower so that the suicidal people didn't go kill themselves after he was finished talking. And they were just going on and on with that kind of junk, and I was offended, so I just walked away. It just really irritated me, because he SAYS that he supports TWLOHA. (I have mixed feelings about the movement), but yet is joking about self-injury and suicide and mental health in general. It's not something that you joke about, especially around me. He knows that. He knew I was there.

I don't really know where this is going other than that he is talking to me again, and I have a hard time trying to process what is going on here or dealing with it. Abandonment isn't really my favorite thing, and it seems to come hand in hand with this guy, whether he means to do it or not. He does.

I need to be honest with him and talk to him about what's going on, but I am not very good at that. Maybe I will build up the courage..

I know it's a lie.. I want it to be true

2009-09-20T18:28:13Z

I actually did something last night for the first time in a while. My friend Ian wanted me to go to a show with him, so I went. I haven't been to a show since I was a sophomore in high school, and it was weird to see all of those people again. I never really fit in with all of them, though I tried, but now I am more of my own person and don't care a whole lot about what they think about me or whether or not I am dressed the way that they and all of their friends are. I know that seems stupid that that would even be something that I think about, but I do. I was a little uncomfortable. I was a little jealous because Ian had been drinking all day and brought some tequila with him, so he was of course perfectly comfortable. I couldn't drink, though, because I was driving, and I don't really drink hard liquor anyway.. but it did make me want that escape for the social situation I was in. It would have been easier.

The bands weren't that great, but it was nice to be around someone that actually wanted to be around me, even if he was drunk. He bought me coffee, and we split a subway sandwich. It was actually kind of sweet of him. I don't really know what my relationship is with this guy.... He called me one night while he was completely wasted and professed his love to me, but I don't know if he even remembers or meant it or anything. I like him, but I don't know if it is because he is the only person paying attention to me or if it is because I am actually interested in being with him. We have a lot of different views on things, which could be ok, but can I be picky and say that there are a couple of things that are important to me to agree on if I'm going to be with someone?

We went to a smoke shop so that he could get me a late birthday present. He wanted to buy me a zippo, so I got this awesome one with a lizard on it. I don't smoke, but he said that everyone needs to have one. It's just kind of what he buys people, I guess.

I have been texting back and forth with this guy for several months now, and this was the first time we have hung out in probably seven months. I'm not sure about what will happen.. probably nothing. Mostly because I am to scared to give it a shot. Scared to actually be HAPPY. How screwed up is that? Most people don't have a problem with that. They actually welcome it! What a thought. Oh well. For today, this is just how it is. I can't change everything at once, and that is something that will take a lot of getting used to. I'm not ready for it.

Oh! I talked to this girl that just started working at the bakery that I was fired from, and she said that she was fired, too, and that the manager (my ex bestfriend) didn't even give her a reason! I know she didn't do anything to deserve it either, because thats just what they do there! They fire the people that they don't like. It has nothing to do with their performance. This is all so awkward, because I have so much of my boss's (owner, not manager) stuff! All of her cd's are in two crates in my trunk, and I have probably seven of her books. I worked for her for five years, and she was like a mother to me.. then I got fired. Awesome. I never thought that I would be one of those people that they just decided to get rid of. I should have kept my guard up. But they were my family.. you should be able to trust your family, right?

If the fire's out baby, how you gonna keep me warm?

Help, I'm alive!

2009-09-17T20:06:10Z

Ok, so yesterday was not so great (not sure if I'll talk about it), and today is my last day off work for a while, so I am taking care of myself!

Today was payday, so that is actually a really huge blessing.. I'm not sure I could have gone one more day buying gas with quarters just so that I could get to work to make money. So, I drove to work to pick up my check on an empty tank *hoping* that I wouldn't run out of gas on the way there or the way back. I finally filled up my car, which made it very happy :)

I have this thing about buying new shampoo/conditioner/bath products, as well pens/pencils/notebooks. I didn't get any pens or anything because I am really trying to be careful with my money, but I did buy shampoo/conditioner! I can't wait to take a shower.

I also bought organic fat-free milk, which I'm not sure that I can even fully record my love for. I love milk. I have tried not to like it, but the truth is that I just can't. But skim organic tastes better than any whole milk I have ever tasted. There is no after taste. No watery taste. Just wonderfulness. I also bought a pair of shoes that I have been wanting and needing.

All of this may seem silly, but the little things in life may be the ones that I get the most joy out of.

So, now I am going to blast metric from my room and enjoy being home alone with a pot of coffee and a messy room to clean.

Farvel.

bookends27 @ 2009-09-14T23:38:00

2009-09-15T05:12:59Z

I went to therapy today finally. It's the only place where I am able to talk about things, and I just feel so good that I can tell someone what is going on pretty much completely. It sucks, though, because whenever I go I just keep getting reminded of how screwed up I am.

But this is why I go.. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So, my thoughts for today are floating around building friendships that are not based on my behavioral problems, if you will. All of my life people have been close to me because they find out somehow about my struggles. I have always drawn in people who are nurturing and caring, and that is the only kind of close that I know. Some of the time these people weren't people that I told about self-injury, but they were told by someone else and then decided that they were going to try to help me, which doesn't work. Others I told because I was yearning deeply for closeness.

But people cannot save other people most of the time. To think that they can is to be let down in my experience. So, NO more of this. And it should just be that easy, right? Wrong.

I know nothing about real friendship. What I thought was real has been ripped, stomped on, and blown away with the people that I was in relationship with.

And the hardest part of this all.. taking a risk and actually making a new friend, which I have to do because loneliness is seriously ripping my soul apart.

But I have to put aside my thoughts of worthlessness in order to make it work. I have to decide to show myself, to peak out from behind the mask that I wear constantly. I have to say what I think. I have to tell people what I prefer when they ask me instead of hiding myself in my fear of people actually knowing my opinion and then hating me for it. I am so afraid of being left because of what I like. What do I like? I am so undefined at times that I don't even know. That is pathetic.

I honestly just don't know if I'm ready to do all of that yet. I guess it is good that I know what to do and how, but I don't know that I can handle another hurt of that kind at them moment. But maybe I will meet someone.

bookends27 @ 2009-09-13T09:39:00

2009-09-13T14:45:38Z

So my mother wrote me a little note, and I'm having a hard time processing. I am trying to take it for what it is and not try to distort it or anything like that, because it is nothing like she would have said a couple of years ago.

I should credit her for that. Maybe being nice to me and normal is her way of apologizing... maybe it is not. Maybe it is just who she is today. Either way, I just need to get over the way I have been treated. It is ridiculous that I can't.

So, her note said that she noticed that I was back in long sleeves, plus some others.

I really don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to handle even talking to her about self-injury. I am awkward and tired, and I just really need to go to therapy. I go tomorrow, so It's not too far away.

Warmer than warm, yeah

2009-09-13T04:26:11Z

I hate living at home. I moved back in at the beginning of August when my lease ran out, and I am so sick of it. I'm tired of not being respected, of hearing my parents disrespect other people, and of being bossed around and treated like I am a child. I am not.

My brother came into my room tonight. I cut on my arms the other day, which is something I haven't done in over a year because I have been injuring on my thigh. I had my arm wrapped under my pillow because I was wearing a t-shirt and my family members like to burst into my room without knocking all the time.. So I jumped a little bit because hiding cuts makes me jumpy, and he sat down and started picking at me asking me over and over what I was hiding. I told him nothing, that I was tired and would he please go away. He didn't. He sat down on my bed and asked me for a good couple of minutes what I was hiding, and I continued to tell him to please leave, that I wanted to be alone, that I was tired. So after several minutes of him trying to take the pillow from me, he told me that I was hiding my arm. I started crying because I do NOT like to be caught. This whole house is filled with memories of secrecy and yet many of exposure. I don't like for other people to see my cuts. I feel ashamed and dirty, especially when they are members of my family. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I honestly did not want to talk to him, but I told him about the little experience I had with my parents earlier, where they choose once again to be people who disrespect me.

I am laying there crying, and he proceeds to tell me that the reason that I don't like to live here and am so mad at my parents for being close-minded is because it is making me realize how close-minded I am.

Ok, what? I will not pretend to be the most open person to ever live, because I have a ton of faults, and I screw up all the time. But I will at least admit it!

And I will admit to being pretty closed off towards my parents and my family, but that is because they have hurt me in ways that I still don't know how to deal with and get over. I have a really really hard time thinking that anything that they say is real or actually heart-felt, because I have seen them act in completely opposite way. I know that I haven't apologized to them, but the things that I feel bad for seem to be irrational when I move them from my mind into actual words that are flowing from my mouth.

Hey Mom, Dad, I am sorry that I reacted the way that I did all of those times when you treated me horribly. I'm sorry that I didn't want to talk to you about why I was cutting when the night before you were screaming at me for injuring. I'm sorry that when you stare at my arms or grab them and ask why I chose to do it there in a disgusting tone that I don't feel comfortable showing my arms when they are healed around you. Seriously??

All of that to say that even though I haven't apologized to them for those things, they also have not apologized to me. I am supposed to support them. I am supposed to support my dad, who is a pastor, when he has treated me this way. (One time I had to go to his church to get something and was wearing a t-shirt. He looked at me, looked at my arm, and just said, "What's that". As if he doesn't know.) I am supposed to support my mom even though she made me strip to search my body for new cuts so that she could punish me. I am supposed to feel comfortable around someone who has humiliated me and did for all of my high school years.

I wish that I didn't have a hard time letting all of this go, but I do. And if it makes my brother happy, I will tell him that I am closed off to the idea of being close to people that have burned me over and over again.

But being open-minded is something that I try really, really hard at. I have changed my life over the years so that most of it comes naturally. And I'm really hurt that he would say that to me after everything that he has told me about his choices and his life. I accept him. I really do, and I will continue to accept him and care for him no matter what, and I am that way towards everyone that I know. When people are mean to me at work, I try to think about what could be going on in their lives to make them act that way. I don't know them. I certainly don't know what they are going through. Maybe it is just a really bad day. But I have a heart that longs to connect and really hear people and their experiences. People need to hear that they can be granted grace for the things in their life that they are ashamed of, and these things brought to the light are things that a lot of people struggle with or have done. But everyone needs grace. Everyone needs love. And if I can give it, I will. Even with my parents I try not to judge why they acted the way they did. It was really shitty, but I understand that I was scaring them. But that doesn't mean that I have to be close to them.

Anyway, I make mistakes. I am actually really aware of this, and a ton of my self-injury has stemmed off of this. I do not need someone to tell me the areas that I need to improve, especially when I am crying and upset. It does not help me. Trust me, I am really capable of picking myself apart. I do it constantly. I don't need any help with that.

He walked out of my room and muttered something like, "leave your arm alone."

Please just leave. Please.

Today was just kind of full of all that, I guess. I've been missing my old job, which is another really long story, but this whole time I have been able to maintain a kind of fuck you attitude about it, which has been good in a way. It has allowed me to move on and be strong, but like I always do, I have been craving those people back in my life. I lost my best friend. She was gone about a year ago, but I mean, I have really lost her. We don't speak anymore, and I'm not sure if we ever will. Whenever she decided to be my friend, she was a really great friend, and I miss that so much... I want that girl back, not the one that encompasses her now.

I was thinking about work and then just about life in general, and I think it is all just a joke almost. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. And it is not like I am actually thinking about suicide, I'm not in danger, but I am in that state where I can hardly find anything meaningful in my life. I don't really know why I keep getting up in the morning or why I go to work or anything, and apart from being hurt by all that has gone on in the last several months to a year, I guess I am numb. Numb to what life is all about. Mostly because I have had to be. The things that I have lost were those things that were so very dear to me. Now that they are gone I am just lost. If I am not numb to that part of myself, then I don't really know how I would function. So I just can't. I can't think about what I am going to be doing in a year, in ten years. It's too painful and difficult. When I do peak, I don't like what I see.

I will get up. I will brave going to work and smiling at customers all day. I will go home. I will sleep. I will try to make some new friends and make progress with what my therapist and I have been talking about lately.

That is all that I can do.

I know that this entry is ridiculously long, but I wanted to post this song because it just takes so much of what I have been feeling and makes it lyrical beauty. Hearing Damien Rice sing is only a plus :) Anyway, I know this is all depressing, but it's just where I am.

..I just looked for a good video of it and couldn't find one, so here are the lyrics.

"Well I've been here before
Sat on the floor in a grey grey room
Where I stay in all day
I don't eat, but I play with this grey grey food

Desole, if someone is prayin' then I might break out,
Desole, even if i scream I can't scream that loud

I'm all alone again
Crawling back home again
Stuck by the phone again

Well I've been here before
Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

So pray for me child, just for a while
That I might break out
Pray for me child
Even a smile would do for now

'Cause I'm all alone again
Crawling back home again
Stuck by the phone again

Have I still got you to be my open door
Have I still got you to be my sandy shore
Have I still got you to cross my bridge in this storm
Have I still got you to keep me warm

If I squeeze my grape, and I drink my wine
'Cause if I squeeze my grape, and I drink my wine
Oh 'Cause nothing is lost, it's just frozen in frost,
And it's opening time, there's no one in line

But I've still got me to be your open door,
I've still got me to be your sandy shore
I've still got me to cross your bridge in this storm
And I've still got me to keep you warm

Warmer than warm, yeah"

bookends27 @ 2009-09-11T00:46:00

2009-09-11T05:47:39Z

Obsessed with this song.. this whole album right now. SO good!

secrets

2008-01-24T08:09:04Z

I told all of them tonight. I am known to the world now, or to one person, and it feels weird and so good at the same time. I'm ashamed, but it's

o k

it's going to be ok. i'm going to be ok.

bookends27 @ 2008-01-13T00:03:00

2008-01-13T06:16:41Z

Shitty things don't even phase me anymore because everything is shitty. I wake up in the morning and think - great, another day filled with hell caused by my faulty emotions and disconnection with people. Another day where I try not to break things or myself. I have so much tension built up inside of me. Today I ripped a huge hole in my jeans. The hole is right below my pocket, and I can't even wear them anymore, but the hole was there, and I just felt like I needed to rip it, so I did.

One of my best friends is moving Monday. We haven't really hung out much and I've been kind of ticked at her for a lot of last semester, but I knew that she was there. I get in these moods where I'm so irritable and upset that I am desperate for someone, anyone, to tell me to come over. I am desperate for someone to be with me. She was someone who could do that. She didn't really know the extent of my problems, but I didn't even care. I could sit there and cry all that I wanted with no harm to myself.

I have lost all security. I don't even know how to describe how that feels, and I don't really care to. I have no close friends. I have friends, but they're people that I hang out with, not people that I really share with. I am very alone from now on, and no one can really understand that. No one can get inside my head. Not even people who have 'been through' the same kind of junk as me.

And what about all of this counseling stuff. I'm supposed to be checking into that, but I keep reading all of this stuff about people and their counselors that don't know anything about cutting or don't know how to deal with people that cut. I don't have the strength to make a phone call, so how am I supposed to dig up the strength to 'try out' different counselors? It's not going ot happen! I want to find someone that I can just talk to and not have them think that I'm completely psycho. I want that so badly. I kind of sort of want help, but I don't know how to find the strength to get it.

I'm on the edge, and I don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to verbally explain or represent myself. And tomorrow I go back to school. Tonight could be the very last night that I spend at my house for a long time - at least until this summer. I want to get an apartment this summer, so it's possible that this will be the last night for a very long time. All that means to me is space and easy access to hurt myself. Tomorrow, if I need to cut, I just have to look around and see if my roommate/suite mates have been in the bathroom recently. If so, then it's all mine. I just have to turn on the shower, and the bathroom is mine without any questions asked for thirty to fourty-five minutes. Here, I have to consider who is home, I have to time myself, all that stuff. There, it's just easy. And, if I feel like I am at risk to be discovered there, I can just go to the third floor of the music building to the end stall. That's fairly safe.

I am going to my amazing church tomorrow with the hope that something will just.. shift inside of me. I don't really know people there, but I don't care. I can go in, get a hug, and sit by myself no questions asked. The only downfall is that a guy that I have been out with a couple of times will be there, and he hasn't contacted me in a week, so that's kind of weird, I guess. I don't know. My old counselor that I can't see anymore goes there, and I'm also kind of hoping that she will come say hello to me. I don't want to ask a lot of her, just if she knows anyone that I could see. She was great, and I would love to be in counseling with her again, but that's not an option.. but maybe she knows someone. I don't know if I have the strength to reach out, though. I was going to two weeks ago if she stuck around for a bit, but she left basically right after everything was over, so I couldn't do it. I don't get that about therapists, though, because I also saw one of the school therapists that I went to for a while while I was shopping with my sister yesterday, and she didn't say hello to me, even though we were on a friendly basis. What is it? Are they not allowed to address you in public? I want to say hello, but I don't know how.

It's just too much. My heart is exploding, I am shaking, and right now I can't do anything to help myself.

bookends27 @ 2008-01-10T00:02:00

2008-01-10T06:05:05Z

"Questions, doubts, struggles. It wasn't the information that helped them - it was simply being in an environment in which they were free to voice what was inside." Rob Bell

bookends27 @ 2007-12-16T12:50:00

2007-12-16T19:01:00Z

I always start typing on here, and then I get really tired and stop.

I have gone 16 days without cutting.

bookends27 @ 2007-11-22T22:44:00

2007-11-23T04:54:03Z

I've been thinking a lot about what I really want to do when I'm out of school. Music therapy has always been a want in the back of my head, but it looks like that is going to become a reality now! I'm not really excited.. just really reassured. My music edu. degree is even useful! I was afraid that I was going to need to switch schools next year, but there are several schools that allow you to come in and take the extra classes that you need for music therapy if you already have a degree in music, so it looks like I will be doing that and then taking the board certification exam.. I have plan, feel slightly in control, and now need to focus on my classes right now instead of wishfully thinking I was at a school up north or west.

I am going on a date (I think) tomorrow. The story behind is is rather odd.. I ended up telling this guy that I was attracted to him, and I am, but I don't want to date now. I'm not real sure what came over me. I think that I was reacting to his politeness and just general interest in me.. those two things together are enough to make me fold.. but I am so picky. I don't think that I will marry, and that is not because I don't want to, but I don't think that I will find someone that I feel I could spend the rest of my life with.

I'm thankful for my friends
The old ones that stick with me, and the new ones that don't know me well, but love what they see so far. They keep me going when I don't want to.

bookends27 @ 2007-11-13T21:52:00

2007-11-14T03:55:02Z

People don't understand how sensitive I am to their words. I was late to a class today because a meeting that I was in ran late, and being the frantic day that it was, I just didn't have all of my thoughts in order regarding my next class. I didn't waste any time getting from my meeting to the class, and walked quietly and tried my hardest not to disturb what was already going on. Almost as soon as I walked in, the class received a lecture about being on time and about the affect that being late has on 'the group'.

This professor knows me, and he knows that I work hard. He has gone so far to compliment me in front of the class. I don't understand the speech. I know what is right and what is wrong, and I don't need people to explain things like how much time is being lost because someone is walking in late. I know that! But I was part of a group, and I decided that it would be better for me to be ten minutes late than to not go at all. After this class, someone jokingly gave me a hard time.. but that's what it was.. a HARD TIME. I can't handle either of those things.. a hard time or a punishing speech. I know when I do something that is wrong, and I can handle that myself. Being talked to like that sends a message to my brain that I am an awful no good person, and I deserve to be punished.. not just by those two people, but by myself. I deserve to do something to myself that will show the world that I am sorry for my actions and that I am striving for absolute perfection.

I know that neither of these people knew that that is how I would react to their actions. I know that they didn't know that I would be on my knees begging for one last cut; one last release.. a slap, a scratch, a pinch. I don't even blame them, I blame myself, but that doesn't change the feelings that were triggered. It doesn't change the hatred for myself that was rekindled.

It's scary, you know? A lot of times my self-injury stems from feelings that I don't understand, but hate is strong and easy to understand. I understand where it comes from, and it's overwhelming. It's scary to really realize that I have a specific problem with something, which I do know. I know that I have a lot of things that need to change in my life.. feelings, thoughts, behavior.. but to really see that is terrifying for me.

Today marks two weeks without cutting. It's a weird feeling because I'm not sure how I feel about it not being here.. about not having open cuts on my body. I like it in a way, but I already miss it, and knowing that I have gone double of every day is just weird.

Even with all of this, I feel like I am being strung along. I sent an e-mail to a counselor here at school just asking some general questions, and I feel like she should have responded with something urging me to come in. I would have made an appointment if that was the case.. if I felt like she was really pursuing me, but I didn't. I didn't really feel like she cared whether or not I came in to receive help. Of course, she didn't know the depth of my situation, and she didn't know my situation at all, but that e-mail was my cry for help!! It took tons of guts just to click the send button, and I don't feel like I received any heart back.

I just don't know what to do. School is overwhelming, and that is stacked on top of all of these personal battles I am facing. I can't get over the things that I have done, because they're sickening.. and the major problem is that even if I was in counseling, I would never feel safe or ok talking about what has happened! Because of that, I feel like I am going to be stuck in this state forever.. tripping over the chains around my feet that are holding me back and bringing me down.

So, for now, I am just trying to force myself to be around people. Around people, I won't cut, and I won't go into some sort of a crying fit while thinking about how I need to kill myself to solve my problems. And even if I do start crying around others, at least they'll be there, and maybe I'll freak out and tell someone that knows me in real life the deeper thoughts that I have, and maybe they'll send me away or maybe they'll just force me to do something. That's what I need.

bookends27 @ 2007-11-08T14:31:00

2007-11-08T20:42:23Z

A friend really wants me go to counseling at CA again. I know with almost every bit of me that she is right, and that I should listen to her, but I just can't pick up the phone. My thoughts are almost too personal and scary to talk to someone about right now as well. I am very broken, but very firm at the same time. Even though I am plagued by suicidal thoughts and other things, they are only thoughts, and the only thoughts that I am carrying out are thoughts of cutting.. and even with that, I have been cut free for nine days. I need immediate 'mind' help, because my thoughts are too much, but I can't get that immediate help because people don't know me well enough. When I was in counseling before, I could talk about my thoughts and what was really going on because she knew that I would benefit from talking, and she also knew that I wasn't going to act on my suicidal thoughts. I can't find another person like her, and that's why I'm so afraid. She was really the only one there that knew how to deal with people like me, and I am afraid that going back would only make me more frustrated.

bookends27 @ 2007-11-01T02:05:00

2007-11-01T07:09:00Z

I am behind. I've been skipping classes because I've been too depressed to be motivated to go, and all of this is all my fault. My only good friend here is transferring schools at semester, and I feel isolated and misunderstood.

I am so afraid that I am going to spend the rest of my life as a cutter. If that is so, I don't want to live. I can't take anymore of this junk. I'm too emotional and out of control.

bookends27 @ 2007-10-22T16:43:00

2007-10-22T21:46:47Z

Tonight is going to be a Gilmore Girls, ice cream, and crying night.

I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's rainy and cold. This weather always does this to me.

Farvel.

bookends27 @ 2007-10-17T20:02:00

2007-10-18T01:10:13Z

I have a 'c' in applied horn!! Why? My professor has done nothing but compliment the things that I have been doing all semester. Yes, there are things that I have been working on, but I really didn't see this coming. I'm so frustrated.

The girls in my Bible study keep telling me how they look up to me because of my quiet nature. A lot of them have said that they have a hard time closing their mouth and wish that they could change that about themselves. I really don't believe that I am a good role model, though. In fact, I know that I'm not. I have cuts on my arms! What is good about that? They don't know this about me, and I feel so unworthy of all of the things that they say about me. I love them all, though, and I'm afraid that I'll be rejected if they see all of the things that I struggle with.

Anyway, farvel.

Counseling Center

2007-10-17T02:45:16Z

I was at the high school today for a marching contest because the band that I am in in college was performing as the exhibition band for the night. I was walking through the school to get to my car and walked past a board that read "Suicide Prevention Month." In the center of the board there was a picture of an arm that had the word help carved into it. Along with that, there were all sorts of facts about suicide and then listed the names of the counselors that are around if anyone 'needs to talk.'

I'm kind of angry that the picture was put up. As a cutter, it was extremely triggering and made me feel anxious for a blade. Am I wrong to be triggered by that? It's great to get the point across, but are they thinking about the people at the school that are self-injurers? It was morbid, and I think that most people that cut would be triggered.

Because I saw that, I decided to cut. I haven't yet, but once I decide, I do. It's like I jump into this crazy state where I don't care.. almost as if I have already cut, and because I have already cut, there is no reason not to do it again. It's so psychological with me. I do so much damage with my mind.

All of that said, I need help. Not online help. Not good friend hey how ya doin' help, but real help. I need to be helped by someone that can handle what I have to say. Things are out of control, and I have proven over and over to myself that I am unable to bear what I feel and have done on my own.

I wish that the lady that I talked to my senior year of high school saw through me. I lied so much to her hoping that she would call me on it or magically say something that would cause me to spill everything. However, she wasn't God, and I wanted her to be. I wanted her to look at me and say a few words that would cause me to stop hating myself so much.. but even God doesn't usually do that. Everything is a process, and I have to fight through this. I'm just not strong enough. At one point, yes, I was, but not now.

Thoughts

2007-10-11T05:30:41Z

I have really been struggling with some of the things that I have done in the past. I know that I need to accept forgiveness for these things, but in a way I don't want it. I view myself completely different than I view other people, and I don't feel like I deserve to be forgiven by my Father, but I also know that he knows exactly how unworthy I am of His grace.. but He doesn't care. He wants to forgive me, and He wants me to stop trying to fix everything. I just feel dirty, and if I was 'clean', I would feel fake in a way.

It really hit me today that I might spend the rest of my life trying not to cut.. that this isn't a phase, but a part of me that will stay for forever. When my brother is married and I am an aunt, I will have very visible scars. I am a cutter. I am a recovering cutter. Will I ever be able to say that I am 'recovered'.. that I don't cut anymore? I am afraid of that. Scars are scars, and they are always there faded or not. I guess I just push this dark side of myself down in my mind and don't always realize the kind of struggle it is. What kind of life is this? Why live to wake up the next day still feeling the same darkness that I felt the night before? I guess I have to live off of the good moments, and pray that there will be some more.

strength

2007-09-04T03:03:43Z

I am going to make it ok when this is said and done.

bookends27 @ 2007-08-26T03:30:00

2007-08-26T08:30:55Z

"I hope that whoever needs those is okay."

No, she's not okay.

shrug

2007-08-25T07:16:59Z

Everything has been really hard lately. Every movement that I make takes a tremendous amount of effort.

It is not better here. I thought that it would be for the first couple of days, but I should have been prepared for this. Why didn't I prepare? Why didn't I get help before it was too late?

Where did the desire to stop cutting come from, and why did it leave? I haven't cared for the past couple of days, and I've been a mess. I think it's probably too late now to even do anything about it? Who is going to help me? No one can help me because I am unwilling to help myself. I don't care enough to do anything, or else I would be on the phone right now instead of typing in this box.

Part of me wants to get rid of this, and the other part doesn't care. Stopping is such a scary thing to me. Stopping involves giving up something that defines so much of me right now.